Adopt a Teen????

Last year, I attended a foster parent training and something extraordinary happened.

Before class started, I walked over to say hi to a fellow foster mom.  She was sitting with her foster child, a teenaged girl.

The three of us began to talk.  Her teen foster daughter was cool.  Smart.  Funny.  We talked about fantasy books and music and art.

And I walked away thinking, hey, we should consider fostering teens.

If that was my sole takeaway, that in itself would have been awesome.

adopt-us-kids-skating-large-10

But, last weekend, I saw that that teen girl is available for adoption.  She’s listed on AdoptUSKids.

For the first time over the many years I’ve browsed AdoptUSKids, I actually know someone who is featured as searching for a family.

Her picture is a little dorky.  The paltry eight sentences summing her up don’t do her justice.  There’s  no video.  If I hadn’t met her, I probably would have skipped right over her entry.

But she is so much more than her profile on AdoptUSKids.

And then, as I was writing this blog, my husband popped over to where I was sitting at our dining room table.

And I said, hey remember that girl?  She’s looking for a family.

And my husband says maybe we should think about adopting her.  ADOPT?!?!?

This is mind blowing.  Because we haven’t been planning to adopt anyone.  Because we had never thought about adopting a teen.  Because we already have two teens and I don’t know how they would feel about us adding a family member so close in age.  Savvy is at boarding school and we don’t want her to feel like she’s being replaced.  Silent One is a teen boy – is it weird as a teen to suddenly have a teen of the opposite gender be a family member?  And how do you afford college?  And the biggie – what’s a relationship with an adopted teen like?

I don’t know, people.  How crazy is it to be considering this based off a short 5-10 minute conversation we had a year ago?

Adopting Siblings from Foster Care

Adopting siblings from foster care is a super fabulous option for families looking for lots of love and fun.  Keeping brothers and sisters together is critical, but sometimes social workers have concerns.  As potential adoptive parents, you might have concerns, too.  Be armed with the facts about what’s really good for children and help advocate for siblings staying together.

AdoptUSKids has a wonderful hand-out for social workers that busts myths that often lead to brothers and sisters being separated from each other.  It’s really eye-opening.  Here’s what it says:

1. Myth: When a child is acting in the parental role, he/she should be separated from younger siblings to give him/her a chance to “be a child” and/or reduce interference with the new adult parent.

Reality: Separating the older child is detrimental to both that child and the younger children. The younger children must face life in unfamiliar circumstances without the support of the older child, and the older child is often left feeling responsible for the younger siblings even when they are not placed together. Adoptive families who are prepared to deal with this dynamic can help these siblings develop appropriate roles.

2. Myth: Brothers and sisters should be separated to prevent sibling rivalry especially when there is extreme conflict.

Reality: Separating siblings teaches them to walk away from conflict and increases the trauma they already feel in being separated from all that is familiar to them. It does not allow the children an opportunity to learn to resolve differences and develop stronger sibling relationships in a healthy, supportive environment.

3. Myth: Siblings should be separated when one sibling is abusing the other.

Reality: It is important to distinguish between true abuse and all other forms of sibling hostility while considering measures other than separation that can protect the child who is being abused. Removing a child from his/her sibling does not guarantee that the child will not be abused in another setting. Having adoptive parents who are aware of the abuse and who put in place safety plans to address it is an option to keep siblings together.

4. Myth: A child with special needs should be placed separately from sibs in order to receive more focused attention.

Reality: An adoptive family who is prepared to meet the special needs of a child as well as that child’s siblings may offer the best opportunity for the child to receive the attention he/she needs.

A child placed with his/her siblings may actually receive more personalized attention than a child placed into a family where there are other children with similar special needs requiring increased attention and resources.

5. Myth: Sibling relationships should only be considered viable when the children have grown up together or have the same biological parents.

Reality: Children who experience life in the child welfare system often form a variety of “sibling like” relationships with non-related brothers and sisters they have lived with both in their biological families and in foster care. Professionals placing children need to take into consideration the child’s definition of who is and is not a sibling before making adoption placement decisions.

6. Myth: Families willing to consider adopting a sibling group need to be willing to adopt groups that on average include four or more children.

Reality: The majority of waiting children with siblings on the AdoptUSKids website are in sibling groups of two (58%) or three siblings (24%) while fewer are in sibling groups of four to six siblings (18%). (McRoy 2010)

7. Myth: There are insufficient numbers of homes that have the willingness or capacity to parent large sibling groups.

Reality: Most waiting families registered on AdoptUSKids (83%) are willing to adopt more than one child. (McRoy 2010) Some adoptive families express the desire to adopt “ready made” families of sibling groups. Other larger families are willing to adopt larger sibling groups. Policies and procedures that provide exceptions and incentives for families who adopt siblings groups are essential.

8. Myth: Potential adoptive families are less likely to express interest in children who are featured in recruitment efforts as members of sibling groups.

Reality: Recruitment efforts specifically designed for sibling groups that include: resource families who have raised siblings to recruit and talk to potential families; the use of media to publicize the need for families willing to adopt these groups; and recruitment pictures of the children taken as a group, have proven most effective in placing brothers and sisters together.

9. Myth: Families who adopt sibling groups need to be wary of the brothers and sisters joining together to cause problems in the adoptive family.

Reality: Research indicates that siblings placed together benefit from the sibling bond in ways that do not present problems to the parent/child relationship. Older children in the sibling group are thought to provide emotional support to their younger siblings. There is evidence to suggest that siblings who are placed separately in adoption have more anxiety and depression than those who are placed together. (Groza 2003)

10. Myth: There are higher rates of failed adoptions in families who adopt siblings.

Reality: Siblings who are placed separately are more likely to demonstrate greater emotional and behavioral problems. Research indicates that when siblings are placed together, they experience many emotional benefits with less moves and a lower risk for failed placements. (Leathers 2005)

If you would like a pretty version of the hand-out to share, you can download the PDF version of Ten Myths and Realities of Sibling Adoption.

This post is part of Adoption Talk Link Up, where people interested in learning about adoption discuss a new topic every two weeks.  Check it out!

No Bohns About It

You can help kids find a home!  Reblog this video.

We adopted from foster care and our son Silent One is one of the best things to have ever happened in our lives.   This holiday, help give children what they really want – a family and place to call home.  Please re-blog this message to let people know great kids are waiting to be adopted!

As an extra bonus, Blog­gin’ Mamas and Ele­ment Asso­ciates are donat­ing a toy to a child in fos­ter care for every blog post shar­ing this infor­ma­tion, up to 25. 

Today, 402,000 chil­dren are in the fos­ter care sys­tem in the United States. Nearly 102,000 chil­dren (under 18 years of age) wait­ing for adoption.

Dur­ing this hol­i­day sea­son, there’s an extra push to help them find homes. The U.S. Depart­ment of Health and Human Ser­vices, Adop­tUSKids and the Ad Coun­cil recently unveiled a new series of pub­lic ser­vice adver­tise­ments (PSAs) designed to con­tinue to encour­age the adop­tion of chil­dren from fos­ter care with an empha­sis on the impor­tance of keep­ing sib­lings together.

Check out this PSA video from the Ad Council:

Can They Feel the Love? Foster kids and Interstellar

I must confess to a strange thing I do.  I send my love to foster kids waiting to be adopted on AdoptUSKids.  I look at their pictures, say a little prayer for them, and then send them my love wherever they may be.  It’s a heart felt wish for them to find their forever families, to know they are valued, to stay strong despite all the tough curveballs life has thrown them.

 

Well, I’ve kept this secret to myself for quite some time.  Because isn’t this a little weird?  My husband rolls his eyes when I say I think loving these waiting kids from far away makes a difference.

But then I watched the movie Interstellar and Anne Hathaway has this monologue about love.  She explains that love and gravity are the only two things that transcend time and space.  So, apparently other people feel like you can send love across long distances and that love can make a tangible difference in that person’s life.

So tell me, is looking at AdoptUSKids and giving my heart to the foster kids a little strange?  A lot strange? Or like a prayer, completely capable of working a mini miracle?